Loving The Alien (Sometimes)

(-Francis Bacon [1909-1992])



Sometimes I think I'm scared
Sometimes I know
I feel like making love
Sometimes I don't
I feel like letting go
Maybe not
I feel like giving up
Is all we got

Sometimes is all the time
And never means maybe
Sometimes is all the time
Maybe

And I'm moving on
And I'm moving on (Sometimes I feel alone)
And I'm moving on
And I'm moving on

Sometimes I make believe
When we're alone
Machines have taken hold
Can you get me to a telephone
It's just the little things
You used to see
Am I still that man who makes you who you want to be

I never noticed
How lovely were the aliens
Lovely were the aliens
I never noticed
Lovely were the aliens
Lovely were the aliens

-Velvet Revolver

A boring day and I turn on iTunes half asleep as I have a faint tune running in my head and I want to listen to the full song. But then it choses this Velvet Revolver number for me I had on my hard disk but I had never listened to. And it was love on the first listen.

The song is both hauntingly melodious and very beautifully written.
--------------

Thinking about nothing in silence makes the the uncertainty and the inherent helplessness with which we live our lives overly apparent. The beauty of the mind lies in disguising the true facts with 'intellect' and 'issues' which demand careful thought and study. The world at large exists in chaos and the order needs to be decoded. Nations which are shining are somehow whining. But isn't it the people who make up the nation? Isn't the individual chaos responsible for generating the chaos of the world?

Decoding the me is something that comes naturally only when the immenseness of nothingness is carefully and fully felt. And the picture that comes forth is that of confusion and uncertainty coupled with a lot of helplessness. How every day is an unrealized fight for hope and reason.

It seems like times of failure are the only times when we are true to ourselves. When all the pseudo intellectual crap falls away to reveal the truest feelings. And then you decide to finally move on and fight again and dose yourself with the drug called rationality. The Neo dies down and you enter the Matrix again.

In all this rationality the smell of the wind, the taste of tears and the feeling of a breaking heart become alienated. The true self is lost in the shadow which becomes a mute puppet and an alien following us around as we judge, compartmentalize and then justify. It is neglected into becoming a schizophrenic sociopath responsible for the dark dreams that reflect an unexplored and part of our persona.

Maybe the truth of the sociopath needs to be listened to?

Maybe, just maybe, the grammar of the chaos lies in the shadow? Maybe it needs to be embraced before we are to gain even a faint sense of the 'issues at large'.

Censorship and Truth

Censorship is defined as the removal and withholding of information from the public by a controlling group or body. ( Wikipedia is my best friend :P )

In a diverse country like India, censorship can be painful, I mean everything is being censored the films, the books, the internet ( well at least trying to), dramas. Government wants everything censored and the best reason they can come up with is Religious Issues, Oh! comon'! Religious issues? Political parties want Orkut banned cause of Religious Issues? Half of the truth about things like the Gujarat riots cannot be revealed because the government "has its apprehensions". Movies like Parzania were taken off the air and schools and colleges are indirectly forbidden from even privately airing these movies."What will the kids learn?"

Everybody knows what is happening around them, so banning anything wont really prevent people from getting hold of the information via other media or by using simple bypasses. You cannot really prohibit a child from eating chocolates and then claim he doesn't even know what chocolates are. But then, as long as everyone's happy and a majority of lame people, who haven't used the net for more than secret sex chats on super lame chat groups, gather to nod their heads in unison we can all ban things and feel patriotic and democratic.

But the bottom line is and will always be that truth is something that never bears consensus. So even if everyone agrees that the riots, the tribal displacement, the Patan rape or countless other things are simply too gruesome to be given any attention and the junta (people) need to be "saved" from such things, it doesn't really mean that is how it really should be.

A line from the movie Network comes to mind, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore."

PS. This post was initially started by my friend and an ex-co author of this blog, Jayesh.

Holocaust and Us

Typically, every noun and every verb in our personal vocabularies has some reflexive effect on at least one of our senses. The mind and the senses correlate brilliantly to generate a personal sense of relation with the language that we use. This personalization, for the most part, is an extension of experience and fantasy.

The Holocaust-

A simplistic and clichéd feeling brought on as a result of the juxtaposition of the images of the dead and the starved with the stench of the burning and rotting body; usually followed by feelings of pity and compassion and some amount of loathing towards the evil Nazi and concluded by a feeling of gratefulness that the onetime aberration from the civil world, the Nazi, were contained by the powers that be. A malicious worm, squashed for good.

These images and smells are all too powerful and moving in themselves but the fact remains that the Holocaust was much more than a small set of emotional reactions coupled with some visual and olfactory stimulus. Bauman points out in his text that overwhelming proof amassed by the historians shows that ‘the Holocaust was a window, rather than a picture on the wall. Looking through that window, one can catch a rare glimpse of many things, otherwise invisible.’ The reflexive reaction that categorizes the Holocaust as an ominous deviation from the normal, civil flow of events; a barbaric act involving, primarily, the Jews and the anti-Semitic forces, needs to be questioned and re-questioned. Bauman asserts that The Holocaust was not a Jewish problem and an event in the Jewish history alone. It is a problem of the society, civilization and culture. Moreover, the all too familiar notion of absolutes, which features the Jews as absolutely good and the Nazis and their collaborators as perfectly evil, is also flawed.

‘When I visited the Museum at AUSCHWITZ, I stood in front of the display cases. What I saw there were images from contemporary art and I found that absolutely terrifying. Looking at the exhibits of suitcases, prosthetics, children’s toys . . .

I suddenly had the impression I was in a museum of contemporary art. I took the train back, telling myself that they had won!’ -Paul Virilio (Art and fear)

This processing and packaging of the Holocaust is brought on by the self-healing tendencies of the modern society. The Holocaust has been delegated a specialist shelf and department wherein the research and development that take place are impressive albeit invisible to the common eye. The Holocaust in general terms, consists of countless memorials and commemorative ceremonies. The responsibility of the in-depth analysis is left safely in the hands of the ‘experts’. The general thought process behind the understanding and analysis of the Holocaust doesn’t involve a lot of effort. Clichéd and time tested methods of analysis, like blaming the morally corrupt Nazi and attempting to understand the causes of Hitler’s obsession are employed without any thought or attempt at reason. But, these methods invariably focus on the ‘Germanness of the crime’ which results in the exoneration of everyone and everything else. By making it into a deviation in the German society, having little to do with the way modern societies function, the Enlightenment beliefs of humanity and freedom are carefully safeguarded.

The code of the Holocaust is far too complex to be understood with such simplistic notions and to be unraveled, needs to be de-emotionalized and assimilated into the general history. The Holocaust, even though written in a specialist code, needs to be understood and accepted generally by the commons. It has essential information about the way society functions and it needs to be interpreted keeping in mind that it was the outcome of unique encounters between ordinary and common factors.

PS: The post is the "Introduction" of a course project report I wrote on Modernity and the Holocaust. It derives heavily from Zygmunt Bauman's book by the same name.

Why F rocks and People Dont.

There are just some days where you just want to shout F**K (Censorship sucks. Anyways this is to keep things family friendly.) really really REALLY loudly.

And then there are 2 things. Why and Why.

Part 1:

But then you can't.

Why?

What will Joe Somebody think? Surely Jane Holier Than Thou would sneer at me. Nevermind the fact that Joe and Jane have secret net identities where Joe plays Hanna and Jane plays Tom. Nevermind what lies hidden deep in their closets.

As long as its not in the open its all good.

Is it?

Anyways, what bothers me is people judging and nudging everyone around them day in and day out. Doesn't a man deserve atleast some amount of breathing space? Or is a closet and a fake net identity is all one has left in this age of taboos, networking and connectivity?

part 2:

Why, in this particular case, did you feel the urge?

This one is simple. Because things really suck for me right now. And I want to lash out. Peacefully and Alone.

Bah.

Love Actually.

Love. Complex, mystical, blissful. Cliched adjectives that seek to describe this very un-cliched phenomenon. And then we safely assume "Love is beyond words"; again a cliche.

The real irony is that this easy to understand commonality and the cliches associated with it are what make it a fast sell.

Add to that the aggressive marketing being done on its behalf by the likes of Yash Raj and Sons. Nevermind the fact that they themselves find their allegiance in question in these times of fast love, fast marry and fast quits. Its almost a become a product worthy of being kept besides the FMCG stuff in supermarkets. "Jaldi Kha lo, nahi to expire/thanda ho jaega." (Eat quickly for it may expire soon/get cold.)

Such a strong marketing team coupled with our own libidos almost make it a compulsive must have.

I was, very recently, faced with answering the question, how does it feel to be in love.

Strangely and almost annoyingly, words like bliss, pure, serene and friendship kept popping up in my mind with a obstinate consistency. And then junta (people) started discussing (read speaking at once) and all I could hear was an infinitely long beep in my mind. After a while I came up with the conclusion that love may or may not be a lot of things, but the one thing that it consistently is, is it is "not boring". Also it is a "work in progress". The moment it stops being these things, the castle of hearts comes crumbling down.

(It was amazingly annoying how this question stuck with me. Just 2 adjectives. And those too bordering suspiciously close to the banal. Have the marketing geniuses got into my head too?)

So, anyway, what is love? People who are about to say "a chemical reaction in the brain" and feel really smart and cool are, well, hags. And they should run along now.

Few words, except the ones mentioned earlier, come to mind. Lust, Change, Pepsi, Farce, Freedom.

Love without lust would just be friendship now, wouldn't it? But that would make love one of the deadly sins. Bah. Another paradox for the philosophers to figure out.

Also, love has become a social farce too. Being in love is considered western here (in India) and the west deems it to be masochistic/chauvinistic. Too many restrictions and very less creativity are slowly becoming the norms for love. Hard to imagine a world where social norms dictate how and when we fall in love and how we behave when in love. Maybe we need a place called center along with the east, west, middle east etc. Bah. Again.

Itna kya sochta hain. Pyar kar na. (Why think so much. Simply fall in love.) Hence, Pepsi. (Don't get the relation? Maybe even I don't. It does make me sound pseudo complex though.)

Change and Freedom. Contradictory and Complimentary. Change or else and Freedom of change. Freedom to be who you are, express and discover your true self. Someone to trust with the freedom you generally don't give yourself while communicating with even the closest of peers. And the change that is almost a requisite if you want the freedom to endure. Again.

Bottom line? An overly simplified paradox that most of us don't really care to grasp. Pepsi peene se pehle contents poochta hain kya? (Do you ask about the contents before you gulp down a can of Pepsi?)

PS: This is written from a guy perspective. Since I am not a girl or a "Metrosexual", I cant really know what the fairer sex thinks. Comments are, as always, welcome.

This article deals with lusty love. Not the kind (hopefully) a mother and a child (and so on) have.

Arrrgh

Hey all! Long time no see. I see a little change in the writing style around here. Looks like evilution is a part of the Ubuntu movement now. Good for him. (Ubuntu is really cool btw.)

Okay. Quick revision. Who am I? Regular readers of the blog might remember me as an author of a very politically incorrect "About Me". You hated it. I hated it. Never thought I'd write a "blog" again. But then I realized something really awesome.

This can serve as a platform where I can express my opinions (read rant) about things that I usually wouldn't be able to do in real life; without getting into a pseudo intellectual conversation with one/more people.

So the topic for today:
How badly does your girlfriend's teenage brother hitting puberty suck?
Answer:
OMG (Oh My God) A LOT (not an abbreviation. Those are actual words there. Caps on the net implies you are shouting it seems. And I SO WANT TO SHOUT.)

"Why?" the brothers might ask.

First of all you are teenagers just hitting puberty. Ergo, you neither sound mature nor sweet but rather very close to a frog.

Second, you simply ask too many questions. By virtue of not being the hot girl that I'm dating, or any other hot girl in general, that does not make you remotely appealing to me.

Third, you always need to do "work on the internet" when your sister is using the computer to converse with yours truly. Wanting it "for just 5 minutes", every 10 minutes can be my fourth reason.

Fourth, you simply never leave. Now what is that all about? Some compulsive need to protect your sister? You should always keep in mind that you are a skinny freckle faced scumbag who sounds like a frog. You are the one who needs protecting. Not her.

Fifth, for some reason you feel your sister has no IQ at all and you, on the other hand, are related to some kind of genius rocket scientist. Ergo, you feel the need to butt in whenever you want, start croaking about what you feel without knowing what your sister was talking about in the first place and subsequently start fighting for the same. My God, punk. you are like 3 women in PMS. (No offense to the 3 women. You rock!)

I could go on and on but I guess I've proved things beyond reasonable doubt now :).

Seriously, brothers facing puberty, Grow Up. People need privacy, let them have it.

ps. err. "Blogger saves all your drafts automatically now" a balloon said. Yay for Blogger :|.

Dreams, Reconfigured.

“Sir, why does man need society? How did the whole concept come into being?”

“Man is a social animal”.

Ever since man was a hunter, men hunted in groups to make up for the lack of size and strength. Each man covered for the others weaknesses. Such was the power of groups that probably we hunted even the Mammoth to extinction.

And thus the foundation of society as we know it was laid.

Then man burnt down forests and settled down. Crops were sown and civilizations spawned. The concept of society grew and consequently its meaning also varied. But at heart it was still a group of men making up for the lack of particular skills in each other. Things were all good.

“Sir whats a Social Stereotype then?”

With man, growth is not linear and limited. Like population and civilization, popular concepts grow exponentially. Until they grow out of control. Like religion. The concept of the all powerful church which lead to the dark ages. And the common factor fueling this growth is always society. Without social support nothing survives.

Any force or organism has the habit of following the path of least resistance. The same holds for man. Most men blindly follow the path of consensus; ‘The democratic way’. Society, or a group of men, decide what is to be considered right. More often than not, it is the path of least resistance.

And so we have a well defined set of rights and wrongs. We might feel otherwise, but we are forced to follow this set. Configured to behave in a set manner. Learn to eat with a fork and spoon even though it hardly matters as long as you have clean hands. Some give in very early on in life and some later, but sooner or later we all do it; for fear of being labled ‘Antisocial’ and ‘Mannerless’. We all have a single color paint coating over our real selves. What differs is the amount of paint we have on.

Society even defines cultural expectations about what a mother is supposed to be. “On the whole in our culture, housewife-mothers are taken as better examples of mothers than nonhousewife-mothers.”

The question is are dreams, feelings and truth subject to consensus? Except in courts, again a social setup, truth is beyond consensus. Why these petty rules to define what a man wants to do in life? Why is the wisdom of others failiures shoved upon someone who has no feelings whatsoever about that path? Why do we want our kids to become what we couldn’t or now a days, what every other person is trying to be? Why are we taught to seek the approval of society for every dream we dream? Wasn’t society supposed to help an individual overcome his shortcomings and come up at whatever he dreamt of? Why have we become victims of the stereotype-revolution dogma? Why do we need a revolution everytime we need a change?

What happens when the paint starts to wear off and leaves behind a man in possession of the shadows of the dreams and hopes he once had?

“A tired man they see, no longer cares.”

Note: This post first appeared on the blog: Blissfully Paranoid. I am the author of the same and since I don't have enough time to update both blogs, I have decided to stick to this one and transfer my posts here. Cheers!

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Whats with the images before all the posts? Here this is my image. Sorry it doesn't get any bigger.


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Ahh my first post. I don't know how many people read this and I have read very few of the posts myself. However, I am a member of this blog so I felt now that I am free and doing nothing, prolly Id start contributing here.

But there is a problem. I am new to blogging. Also for those who want to point out that its just another form of writing and expressing, I am new to writing. So Im not very sure as to what exactly am i supposed to be doing here.

I guess no one reading this blog actually knows who I am. My profile obviously doesn't help in this regard. Well, I intend to keep it that way, so no one knows about my quality of writing. But no harm can obviously come from what I am. As a person, friend etc. So I guess Ill start by talking about myself and see where things go from there.

Now that I come to think of it, the title reveals a lot about me actually. I am your perfect geekish skeptic, if there ever was one. I doubt myself, people around me, people around those people around me, people those people around... well you get my point. But in general I talk with such force that people tend to believe that I believe in myself and I am a confident person. I love people who doubt me and raise valid questions. I never agree with them as a rule of thumb because well, "I doubt them". But it helps me. It helps me smooth out my thoughts. More often than not, it improves upon my ideas. Generally not in a way that was suggested but yes, because of the way that was suggested. So, well, everybody wins.

Also, people, in general, and girls, in particular, hate me. I, well, I reciprocate the feelings I get to the fullest. Our mutual dislike of each other keeps us from *shudder* talking to each other in general. Again, everybody wins.

Obviously, I don't give a damn about what anyone thinks of me. There used to be a time when I did. But that part of me is long since dead and I have stopped mourning over it now.

There are many theories as to why I am the way I am. None of them however cast me in a very Stallone-ish/Hannibal-ish kind of a role so, well, they don't get a mention here.

So, am I a hateful person? Absolutely not.

I love a lot of things and people. I have very few friends *no cookies for guessing why* and I have, a great family. I don't know or care if I am worthy of such friends or family but I love all of them and care a lot about them. I am still in the process of figuring out how I ended up with such(or any, for that matter) friends. I guess they found me out and *gasp* "liked" something about me. Also, none of them judged me and felt the compulsive need to classify me into a stereotype, like I'm sure many of you are doing right now. Don't get me wrong. I don't hate you guys. I'm just far too self absorbed to care.

Aww, here is a typical high school reject eh? Nope. I was also one of the most popular guys in high school and I went to a very good college. So, think again.

I like silence. I like cool whether. I don't mind distance, from both my family and friends. I believe very very strongly that you don't need to be next to someone to love him or her. So no, I'm not indifferent about my family or friends. I'm just indifferent about the distance between us. I just need my computer to survive.

I hate sucky computers. And I define what sucky means. I get irritated, bored, amused and angry faster than you can say uncle. I hate it when people ask too many questions and hate it even more when those questions are foolish. I hate people being silent because that forces me to talk, the one thing I hate more than the aforementioned point.

I love beauty in almost all forms. I like colors, individually or mixed. I like beautiful music. In any genre. I like nature. I like Apple computer products. I even have a *omfg* girlfriend like my co author here. And I love her; a lot. I like sex and sensuality. I don't think they are sins as long as you have your heart in the right place. There are very few things I am dead certain about (refer above), and trust me when i say, you don't wanna argue with me over those things. The line before the last one happens to be one of them. Another thing me and the blog author have in common. I like singing(croaking) to my girlfriend. That probably wouldn't count as beauty in any form, but still.

I recently came across this: "Beauty is the summation of parts, working together in such a way that nothing needed to be added, taken away or altered." I see my girlfriend in this. (She, however, begs to differ but then I guess thats what girls do, they hate themselves. Probably the reason why they need guys the most. But then, what do I know, I'm just a geek.)

I'm bored now. Now how do you end an introduction? Darn, I'm bad at this.

Blank.

"Damn this pain!"
"Dear Lord! Can someone turn off the sun?"
"I wish I could just turn this sweating off somehow."

Most of us have, at some point in our lives, have said one or more of these things. Most of us have gotten hurt so bad that we wished for some way to turn off the pain. And we have. By medication, cursing, shouting.. the means are irrelevant. Most of us hate being in pain. We always wonder if "everything has a reason"; where pain fits in the grand scheme of things. The obvious reason would be to appreciate not being in pain. Yeah well, this reason applies to almost anything that humans don't like. Why do we need pain, seriously?

This is one question, I had never thought of, ever. I didn't care for pain much and that was that. Pain is bad. period. We don't need pain and mosquitoes.

And then I saw a medical drama I watch every week (Not quite as dramatic as one would have hoped for, but anyway). And it seriously forced me to think. The results?

We need pain. We need it to survive. We might even call ourselves lucky we feel pain.

Instead of going into too much detail regarding the whys and the hows, I'll let the readers decide for themselves.

http://www.smm.org/buzz/blog/she_feels_no_pain
http://basicindia.typepad.com/basicindia/2005/08/a_brief_look_at.html

Waiting For The World To Change.

The past year has been one of the most difficult of my life

Of tears and pain, despair and frustration, of defeat n more tears..

But as the pain subsides and one looks back..

It has mostly been about people & relationships.

People you called family acting worse than your deadliest enemies and strangers you just got acquainted with supporting you to unimaginable levels.

And it’s been about hope.

As the storm subsides, hope like a seed in hibernation slowly awakens and starts spreading its roots.. this time deeper than before so as to take on a much stronger storm this time.

And last but not the least it’s been about Patience.

So as I patiently wait for the world to change..

Chances are so do the ones I HOPE will change. :D

And so we keep on waiting.. waiting for the world to change. ;)

Silent Nights

silver night, golden flames,
one and one become one,
breathe hard, breathe hardly,
come closer, come melt in my arms,
come deeper, lest the stars may see.

and i open my eyes,
serenity dreaming next to me,
theres no heaven in the skies,
its right here, on her face tonight.

its magic when she smiles,
In a trance i smile, her smile,
then she moves,
and i hold my breath,
afraid to wake her up,
curling deeper into my arms,
the sweet angel dreams on.

i lie back and close my eyes,
listening to her breath,
singing against the silence of the night.

shes chaos,
and my bliss.
shes a dream,
and my reality.
shes the past,
and my present.
shes free,
and shes mine.

Time, Work, Chaos.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need Anything Or anyone
If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words, are said too much
they're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars

Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
All that I am All that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

-Chasing Cars: Snow Patrol (Album: Eyes Open)[Review: Must listen to/Pure Pwnage]

We think we have time. Time to work, time to learn, time to love and time to be ourselves. Do we?

We think "this" is the last big thing staring at us. We think we'll make things up once "this" is done. We'll turn back to normal then because then, then we'll have time. Do we?

As soon as somethings done we want another. We're so busy we don't dream anymore. Sometimes we discover passion. Sometimes we discover love. And its another thing for us to do. Is it?

We dont have time to tune out and live just because. No other reason. No work. No nothing. Just a joyous realisation of being here. A celebration of who we are.
We dont have time to look into ourselves and smile just because. No other reason.
We dont have time to go mad about our passion just because. No other reason.

Do three words said over and over again matter more than a quiet thoughtless moment spent with your loved one?
Do we really have to "try" to be what we really are deep inside?
Do filthy excuses really make up for the time lost not doing what you love?

Cant we say no and make time?
Cant we stop running and breathe?
Cant the world stop spinning for, even if just for a moment?
Cant we just tune everything and everyone out and feel the cool wind kiss us?
Can we stand still and just smell life; smell love?

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

The Thinker

This happens to be my first post around here; sorry to say this isn't goin to be a cheery start.
The last 10 days have been awful, to say the least. Ive realized many things, most of them not exactly the goody goody types. Ironically, the 10 days before that were almost like a dream come to life(A half nude holi included :D). I guess life and irony are, in fact, synonymous.

The first thing to hit me in the past few days is my habit of judging people every so often. So much so that there are people i don't like just because their look pisses me off. A stupid grin or a over smart conversation, it could be anything. And as easy as it is for me to judge and write someone off, its equally difficult for me to take them back in life. Oh, and here comes the catch. Life's not so understanding and will make you work with even your most genuine enemy. So, well, you get my point.
What i feel is, all this happens because I'm a loner at heart. And a very very big loner. If I had it my way, i guess I'd shut even myself out. I guess all my judgments are just ways to shut people out of my life. And when i shut someone out, i bolt the door so tight and strong that all the mighty heavens put together couldn't break it open.
Of course, on the upside, the fact is that more often than not i shut the right people out. And the people i don't, really really really pass the test of fire and are worthy :D. Obviously, there is no such thing as shutting the right people out in the new interconnected times. You never know who you might need. Even the most useless of beings might serve some purpose at some point in time. Crazy as it may sound, but i belong to the old school of thought. The age of chivalry, secrecy, ethics and being independent. But i guess its time to evolve. Not on the inner core values front, but on the outside. I guess ill not fight myself anymore. Ill just be a pretender. You know, the good old hypocrite. Shut people out and still be on talking terms with them. :D

One thing I really want to do is to stop judging. Or at least allow the person to actually act before writing him/her off. Try try try. Bah. Probably in the next lifetime :).

The one thing thats impossible for me is to "chat up" a acquaintance with someone. But still somehow i manage to know a lot of people and a lot of people manage to know me. But then i hardly know any of those people at all. Also, Ive noticed a certain habit in these people. Almost all of them want to talk. No one knows about what but they do know they wanna talk. And well, I'm not so big on the small talk front. In fact not so big is a terrible understatement. I have no idea about small talk :S. I am however "big" on the listening front. That is why I'm in love with anyone who knows how to initiate a meaningless conversation and continue it for at least half an hour with as little help from me as possible. And that is not me being sarcastic. I seriously love those people. In fact, almost everyone I'm close to displays this particular trait. Its like they lend a hand where I fall short. :). Its a shame people like these are few and rarely found.
Anyways summing it all in as little words as possible; My "people skills" suck. Period.

Another thing that came forward all of a sudden and grabbed the spotlight was how much i suck as a team leader of a team of strangers. More so, when the strangers believe in talking more than working. Some may wish to point out that it is unfair to blame yourself if the team is incompetent. Well blame it on the old school of thought again. By my definition, a team leader should be able to make even the worst kind of pathetic time wasters to work. By hook or by crook. But Ive tried everything. And nothing seems to work. Not motivation, not examples set by the leader. In setting examples though, I at least get my end of the work done :D. I hate to be the rat and go crying to my mentor for help, but that seems to be the only course of action left now. Welcome to kindergarten. :(
Maybe all this is again because if my failed public relations system. I really can't say.

Also another thing Ive realized is team leaders don't make many friends. Certainly not with their teams. :)
But then it is also true that making friends with the team motivates them to work harder and give in their best. Again you need to assess the team 1st. Making friends with the most lethargic team ever can also make them grow even more comfortable and parasitic. With you, obviously, as their host.
Anyways, one thing is clear. My team leading skills need some major work. And I think i know just the right person to help me out in this regard. Ironically, Hes the person i fight with the most and respect the most.

A very strange phenomenon has also come to my notice. People, knowingly or unknowingly, like taking credit for my work and ideas. This has happened so very often in the past few days that it has got me thinking. In simple words, I hate it. This happening on a regular basis. Oh my God, I hate it more :S. A certain someone would love to point out this trait as my being leonine. Whatever the reason, it sucks. And ironically the reason is me again. My inability or rather extreme hesitance in talking to strangers leads me to shell out ideas to those I know. And those i know serve as the media of transfer of the idea. And as is obvious, the idea automatically gets credited to the one who brings it. Even if he or she doesn't claim it. Its human nature to give the messenger the credit. Because people like me are rare and hardly seen. Anyhow, I still hate this fact.
Also it seems like God has blessed me with the ability to Recreate and Renovate. Innovation hardly comes to me. But modifying an idea so much that the original hardly seems noticeable is my forte. And it turns out it is the innovator who is congratulated. Not the renovator who makes the idea almost fool proof and presentable. It hardly matters if the original idea was like a castle of cards. And again it sucks. And oh my God, I sound like a child craving for attention :S.

Question: don't we all?

Also in the past few days Ive realized that Ive become an extremely dependent person. Theres a certain someone I like. Like like a lot. In fact, a lot more than a lot. And the good part is the certain someones a she :D. The better part is she likes me in the exact same way. The bad part is we live like a thousand miles apart. And no thats not a phrase. Thats almost exactly how far the place is from here. Again the good part is Ive made my peace with this fact. And Ive fallen in love with the cellphone. But in the past few days certain things have happened that have made me feel like a pathetic loser. Things and circumstances have gone bad and Ive found that I am unable to cope with it all. Lately Ive just been sitting here(literally) and cursing anything and everything that comes to my mind. And yea that includes me too. I have a habit of suppressing my desperation and sadness with anger. And boy am i angry. I hate losing, specially to the things life throws at me. But lately Ive done nothing but lose. And Ive gone from depressed to frustrated and now angry.

I seriously hate what Ive become. And I have very very seriously decided to change it all now. Life sux. Doesn't mean you stop living.

Hope, Survival.. Desperation?

I lost all faith in my God, in his religion too
I told the angels they could sing their songs to someone new
I lost all trust in my friends
I watched my heart turn to stone
I thought that I was left to walk this wicked world alone

Tonight I'll dust myself off
Tonight I'll suck my gut in
I'll face the night and I'll pretend
I got something to believe in

And I had lost touch with reason
I watched life criticize the truth
Been waiting for a miracle
I know you have too

Though I know I won't win
I'll take this one on the chin
We'll raise a toast and I'll pretend
I got something to believe in

If I don't believe in Jesus, how can I believe the Pope
If I don't believe in heroin, how can I believe in dope
If there's nothing but survival, how can I believe in sin
In a world that gives you nothing
We need something to believe in

If I don't believe in Jesus, how can I believe the Pope
If I don't believe in heroin, how can I believe in dope
If there's nothing but survival, how can I believe in sin
In a world that gives you nothing
We need something to believe in

(Something To Believe In: Bon Jovi 'These Days')

Too many ideas. Too many things to do. Overflowing knowledge..Confusion..

And we're back to White :) .

Konfuzion :\

ahh...so, nothin seems to be goin your way? everywhere u step things seem to fall apart, eh? Oh, but the little voice inside your head tells u to move on. things will surely get better. keep working.

and so u do it. keep working. sometimes things do get better. but sometimes... well murphy's law is there for a reason. ergo, things keep falling apart. u keep pushing.. they still keep on cracking to bits.. and there you have it. the epitome of a vicious circle becomes you and your actions. and fact remains: there ARE some days when everything just sucks. its just a plain and simple suck fest.

now, is there some way to discern which one is which? when will good ol' murphy own you and when will you get to laugh at his theories? mayb. at least i haven't been blessed with this special power. :( so, i just go through the day, hoping it'll get better. if it doesn't i sulk at the end of the day and starting yesterday; blog it out :D.

So at the end of the day when nothing was done and probably all your efforts were in vain you begin thinking. about? everything in general and nothin in particular. mind goes back to the good old days. when something used to get done at at least some part of the day. when fun was a verb and not an abstract noun u talk about these days. and confusion sets in.

everyday waking up it feels like heaven to realize that I've been blessed with what others just hope for and see in romantic movies. to have someone who stands by you in your darkest mood and hour. someone who cares for you with all her life and soul.

hmm.. and the other side of the coin? in reality, there is no other side. theres just one side and the previous para describes it in an unjust but almost complete manner. but then even fairy tales and movies have a twist in them. the plot has to thicken, my dear watson.

so it does. in the form of distance, in the case of yours truly. unreachable distance. distance with no solutions. live with it or leave. ohh!! Grey clouds in the bright and sunny sky. so complexities arise. so you think think and think. and what do we see. a solution is it? :O

alas, "the solution" can happen only some years later. so its back to ground zero for now. then again, we can relieve the pain by thinking of the solution in all its glory. the solution and the future. when the sun shall shine again in a clear blue sky. :)

so u think, you imagine and plan. the future. wait. weren't you thinking before the mighty solution had come? and you're thinking now. the difference? thinking and discussing makes you feel good. makes the pain go away.

does it?

before you know it, all you do is think. its like being on painkillers. you become an addict. thinking makes you feel good. you see yourself in others who follow the solution. that makes you smile.

err.. but wasn't the feeling of being in love supposed to make you smile? the feeling of enjoying everyday and sharing everyday with your mate? weren't you supposed to go one step further with realizing and admitting what you felt? one step further than being the best of friends who had amazing times together? and that was with the distance not without it.

as i see it addictions end with saying no and taking the pain head on. the solution is there and its good to know its there. but it shall be seen when it comes to us. for now i say no to thinking about it. i say no to the speculation. i accept the pain and i accept the love and understanding that comes with it. they say holding on to just one good feeling can make you survive hell itself. we have one bad feeling and heaven to glide us through it.

in the end; its just about saying no.

0rganis3d Ka0s

th3 beginning and end 0f all Quests. th3 reason of all life, !ncidentally th3 reason behind the end t0o. puzzl!ng yet so very beautiful.
Chaos.
Cha0s.
ka0s.



organised: (adjective) Methodical and efficient in arrangement or function.

understanding the order..the organisation in the kaos is how i perceive life. Bringing a little more simplicity to the overly ka0tic mess that it was till yesterday is how i live it.

!ve made countless mistakes and mayb knowingly or unknowingly i have been given second chances. Ive stumbled a lot along the way and mayb messed up those second chances too.

Realisation. that is what order simplicity and organisation mean to me. And as i stumble along day by day this is where ill describe my personal ka0s and my own version of order. :)