The Thinker

This happens to be my first post around here; sorry to say this isn't goin to be a cheery start.
The last 10 days have been awful, to say the least. Ive realized many things, most of them not exactly the goody goody types. Ironically, the 10 days before that were almost like a dream come to life(A half nude holi included :D). I guess life and irony are, in fact, synonymous.

The first thing to hit me in the past few days is my habit of judging people every so often. So much so that there are people i don't like just because their look pisses me off. A stupid grin or a over smart conversation, it could be anything. And as easy as it is for me to judge and write someone off, its equally difficult for me to take them back in life. Oh, and here comes the catch. Life's not so understanding and will make you work with even your most genuine enemy. So, well, you get my point.
What i feel is, all this happens because I'm a loner at heart. And a very very big loner. If I had it my way, i guess I'd shut even myself out. I guess all my judgments are just ways to shut people out of my life. And when i shut someone out, i bolt the door so tight and strong that all the mighty heavens put together couldn't break it open.
Of course, on the upside, the fact is that more often than not i shut the right people out. And the people i don't, really really really pass the test of fire and are worthy :D. Obviously, there is no such thing as shutting the right people out in the new interconnected times. You never know who you might need. Even the most useless of beings might serve some purpose at some point in time. Crazy as it may sound, but i belong to the old school of thought. The age of chivalry, secrecy, ethics and being independent. But i guess its time to evolve. Not on the inner core values front, but on the outside. I guess ill not fight myself anymore. Ill just be a pretender. You know, the good old hypocrite. Shut people out and still be on talking terms with them. :D

One thing I really want to do is to stop judging. Or at least allow the person to actually act before writing him/her off. Try try try. Bah. Probably in the next lifetime :).

The one thing thats impossible for me is to "chat up" a acquaintance with someone. But still somehow i manage to know a lot of people and a lot of people manage to know me. But then i hardly know any of those people at all. Also, Ive noticed a certain habit in these people. Almost all of them want to talk. No one knows about what but they do know they wanna talk. And well, I'm not so big on the small talk front. In fact not so big is a terrible understatement. I have no idea about small talk :S. I am however "big" on the listening front. That is why I'm in love with anyone who knows how to initiate a meaningless conversation and continue it for at least half an hour with as little help from me as possible. And that is not me being sarcastic. I seriously love those people. In fact, almost everyone I'm close to displays this particular trait. Its like they lend a hand where I fall short. :). Its a shame people like these are few and rarely found.
Anyways summing it all in as little words as possible; My "people skills" suck. Period.

Another thing that came forward all of a sudden and grabbed the spotlight was how much i suck as a team leader of a team of strangers. More so, when the strangers believe in talking more than working. Some may wish to point out that it is unfair to blame yourself if the team is incompetent. Well blame it on the old school of thought again. By my definition, a team leader should be able to make even the worst kind of pathetic time wasters to work. By hook or by crook. But Ive tried everything. And nothing seems to work. Not motivation, not examples set by the leader. In setting examples though, I at least get my end of the work done :D. I hate to be the rat and go crying to my mentor for help, but that seems to be the only course of action left now. Welcome to kindergarten. :(
Maybe all this is again because if my failed public relations system. I really can't say.

Also another thing Ive realized is team leaders don't make many friends. Certainly not with their teams. :)
But then it is also true that making friends with the team motivates them to work harder and give in their best. Again you need to assess the team 1st. Making friends with the most lethargic team ever can also make them grow even more comfortable and parasitic. With you, obviously, as their host.
Anyways, one thing is clear. My team leading skills need some major work. And I think i know just the right person to help me out in this regard. Ironically, Hes the person i fight with the most and respect the most.

A very strange phenomenon has also come to my notice. People, knowingly or unknowingly, like taking credit for my work and ideas. This has happened so very often in the past few days that it has got me thinking. In simple words, I hate it. This happening on a regular basis. Oh my God, I hate it more :S. A certain someone would love to point out this trait as my being leonine. Whatever the reason, it sucks. And ironically the reason is me again. My inability or rather extreme hesitance in talking to strangers leads me to shell out ideas to those I know. And those i know serve as the media of transfer of the idea. And as is obvious, the idea automatically gets credited to the one who brings it. Even if he or she doesn't claim it. Its human nature to give the messenger the credit. Because people like me are rare and hardly seen. Anyhow, I still hate this fact.
Also it seems like God has blessed me with the ability to Recreate and Renovate. Innovation hardly comes to me. But modifying an idea so much that the original hardly seems noticeable is my forte. And it turns out it is the innovator who is congratulated. Not the renovator who makes the idea almost fool proof and presentable. It hardly matters if the original idea was like a castle of cards. And again it sucks. And oh my God, I sound like a child craving for attention :S.

Question: don't we all?

Also in the past few days Ive realized that Ive become an extremely dependent person. Theres a certain someone I like. Like like a lot. In fact, a lot more than a lot. And the good part is the certain someones a she :D. The better part is she likes me in the exact same way. The bad part is we live like a thousand miles apart. And no thats not a phrase. Thats almost exactly how far the place is from here. Again the good part is Ive made my peace with this fact. And Ive fallen in love with the cellphone. But in the past few days certain things have happened that have made me feel like a pathetic loser. Things and circumstances have gone bad and Ive found that I am unable to cope with it all. Lately Ive just been sitting here(literally) and cursing anything and everything that comes to my mind. And yea that includes me too. I have a habit of suppressing my desperation and sadness with anger. And boy am i angry. I hate losing, specially to the things life throws at me. But lately Ive done nothing but lose. And Ive gone from depressed to frustrated and now angry.

I seriously hate what Ive become. And I have very very seriously decided to change it all now. Life sux. Doesn't mean you stop living.