The past year has been one of the most difficult of my life
Of tears and pain, despair and frustration, of defeat n more tears..
But as the pain subsides and one looks back..
It has mostly been about people & relationships.
And it’s been about hope.
And last but not the least it’s been about Patience.
silver night, golden flames,
one and one become one,
breathe hard, breathe hardly,
come closer, come melt in my arms,
come deeper, lest the stars may see.
and i open my eyes,
serenity dreaming next to me,
theres no heaven in the skies,
its right here, on her face tonight.
its magic when she smiles,
In a trance i smile, her smile,
then she moves,
and i hold my breath,
afraid to wake her up,
curling deeper into my arms,
the sweet angel dreams on.
i lie back and close my eyes,
listening to her breath,
singing against the silence of the night.
shes chaos,
and my bliss.
shes a dream,
and my reality.
shes the past,
and my present.
shes free,
and shes mine.
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need Anything Or anyone
If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words, are said too much
they're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
All that I am All that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
-Chasing Cars: Snow Patrol (Album: Eyes Open)[Review: Must listen to/Pure Pwnage]
We think we have time. Time to work, time to learn, time to love and time to be ourselves. Do we?
We think "this" is the last big thing staring at us. We think we'll make things up once "this" is done. We'll turn back to normal then because then, then we'll have time. Do we?
As soon as somethings done we want another. We're so busy we don't dream anymore. Sometimes we discover passion. Sometimes we discover love. And its another thing for us to do. Is it?
We dont have time to tune out and live just because. No other reason. No work. No nothing. Just a joyous realisation of being here. A celebration of who we are.
We dont have time to look into ourselves and smile just because. No other reason.
We dont have time to go mad about our passion just because. No other reason.
Do three words said over and over again matter more than a quiet thoughtless moment spent with your loved one?
Do we really have to "try" to be what we really are deep inside?
Do filthy excuses really make up for the time lost not doing what you love?
Cant we say no and make time?
Cant we stop running and breathe?
Cant the world stop spinning for, even if just for a moment?
Cant we just tune everything and everyone out and feel the cool wind kiss us?
Can we stand still and just smell life; smell love?
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
This happens to be my first post around here; sorry to say this isn't goin to be a cheery start.
The last 10 days have been awful, to say the least. Ive realized many things, most of them not exactly the goody goody types. Ironically, the 10 days before that were almost like a dream come to life(A half nude holi included :D). I guess life and irony are, in fact, synonymous.
The first thing to hit me in the past few days is my habit of judging people every so often. So much so that there are people i don't like just because their look pisses me off. A stupid grin or a over smart conversation, it could be anything. And as easy as it is for me to judge and write someone off, its equally difficult for me to take them back in life. Oh, and here comes the catch. Life's not so understanding and will make you work with even your most genuine enemy. So, well, you get my point.
What i feel is, all this happens because I'm a loner at heart. And a very very big loner. If I had it my way, i guess I'd shut even myself out. I guess all my judgments are just ways to shut people out of my life. And when i shut someone out, i bolt the door so tight and strong that all the mighty heavens put together couldn't break it open.
Of course, on the upside, the fact is that more often than not i shut the right people out. And the people i don't, really really really pass the test of fire and are worthy :D. Obviously, there is no such thing as shutting the right people out in the new interconnected times. You never know who you might need. Even the most useless of beings might serve some purpose at some point in time. Crazy as it may sound, but i belong to the old school of thought. The age of chivalry, secrecy, ethics and being independent. But i guess its time to evolve. Not on the inner core values front, but on the outside. I guess ill not fight myself anymore. Ill just be a pretender. You know, the good old hypocrite. Shut people out and still be on talking terms with them. :D
One thing I really want to do is to stop judging. Or at least allow the person to actually act before writing him/her off. Try try try. Bah. Probably in the next lifetime :).
The one thing thats impossible for me is to "chat up" a acquaintance with someone. But still somehow i manage to know a lot of people and a lot of people manage to know me. But then i hardly know any of those people at all. Also, Ive noticed a certain habit in these people. Almost all of them want to talk. No one knows about what but they do know they wanna talk. And well, I'm not so big on the small talk front. In fact not so big is a terrible understatement. I have no idea about small talk :S. I am however "big" on the listening front. That is why I'm in love with anyone who knows how to initiate a meaningless conversation and continue it for at least half an hour with as little help from me as possible. And that is not me being sarcastic. I seriously love those people. In fact, almost everyone I'm close to displays this particular trait. Its like they lend a hand where I fall short. :). Its a shame people like these are few and rarely found.
Anyways summing it all in as little words as possible; My "people skills" suck. Period.
Another thing that came forward all of a sudden and grabbed the spotlight was how much i suck as a team leader of a team of strangers. More so, when the strangers believe in talking more than working. Some may wish to point out that it is unfair to blame yourself if the team is incompetent. Well blame it on the old school of thought again. By my definition, a team leader should be able to make even the worst kind of pathetic time wasters to work. By hook or by crook. But Ive tried everything. And nothing seems to work. Not motivation, not examples set by the leader. In setting examples though, I at least get my end of the work done :D. I hate to be the rat and go crying to my mentor for help, but that seems to be the only course of action left now. Welcome to kindergarten. :(
Maybe all this is again because if my failed public relations system. I really can't say.
Also another thing Ive realized is team leaders don't make many friends. Certainly not with their teams. :)
But then it is also true that making friends with the team motivates them to work harder and give in their best. Again you need to assess the team 1st. Making friends with the most lethargic team ever can also make them grow even more comfortable and parasitic. With you, obviously, as their host.
Anyways, one thing is clear. My team leading skills need some major work. And I think i know just the right person to help me out in this regard. Ironically, Hes the person i fight with the most and respect the most.
A very strange phenomenon has also come to my notice. People, knowingly or unknowingly, like taking credit for my work and ideas. This has happened so very often in the past few days that it has got me thinking. In simple words, I hate it. This happening on a regular basis. Oh my God, I hate it more :S. A certain someone would love to point out this trait as my being leonine. Whatever the reason, it sucks. And ironically the reason is me again. My inability or rather extreme hesitance in talking to strangers leads me to shell out ideas to those I know. And those i know serve as the media of transfer of the idea. And as is obvious, the idea automatically gets credited to the one who brings it. Even if he or she doesn't claim it. Its human nature to give the messenger the credit. Because people like me are rare and hardly seen. Anyhow, I still hate this fact.
Also it seems like God has blessed me with the ability to Recreate and Renovate. Innovation hardly comes to me. But modifying an idea so much that the original hardly seems noticeable is my forte. And it turns out it is the innovator who is congratulated. Not the renovator who makes the idea almost fool proof and presentable. It hardly matters if the original idea was like a castle of cards. And again it sucks. And oh my God, I sound like a child craving for attention :S.
Question: don't we all?
Also in the past few days Ive realized that Ive become an extremely dependent person. Theres a certain someone I like. Like like a lot. In fact, a lot more than a lot. And the good part is the certain someones a she :D. The better part is she likes me in the exact same way. The bad part is we live like a thousand miles apart. And no thats not a phrase. Thats almost exactly how far the place is from here. Again the good part is Ive made my peace with this fact. And Ive fallen in love with the cellphone. But in the past few days certain things have happened that have made me feel like a pathetic loser. Things and circumstances have gone bad and Ive found that I am unable to cope with it all. Lately Ive just been sitting here(literally) and cursing anything and everything that comes to my mind. And yea that includes me too. I have a habit of suppressing my desperation and sadness with anger. And boy am i angry. I hate losing, specially to the things life throws at me. But lately Ive done nothing but lose. And Ive gone from depressed to frustrated and now angry.
I seriously hate what Ive become. And I have very very seriously decided to change it all now. Life sux. Doesn't mean you stop living.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.
-Goo Goo Dolls: City of Angels OST
This song is arguably one of the finest songs ever written. Goo Goo Dolls doesn't perform a ballad nor does it perform a no holds bound Alternative Rock anthem. What it does is perform a high energy ballad that retains, very very successfully, the essence if Alternative Rock.
In very simple terms, this song is a must listen to. Its right up there in the pure pwnage list. :)
PS: This song is also an example of why poop...oops pop singers shouldn't mess around with rock. In other words Ronan Keating's cover sucks. Seriously makes me cry and my ears bleed. And its even more obvious when you listen to the two songs back to back.
I also hear Avril Lavigne has covered this song too. Seriously, what the hell? STOP MESSING WITH A CLASSIC. And no Avril's not rock. Although she manages to shout quite a bit. :D
Shes better off with her own songs. Covering rock classics ain't exactly her thing. I still remember the way she r*ped Metallica's classic Fuel. And in front of Metallica too :D.
Anyways just go and listen to the original song. Simply speaking; It owns.
yey! the spring fever season is here!
no descriptions or lengthy compositions this time around..
This is something that has to be felt to be believed and realised. :)
may peace nd smiles be the theme of your season this time.
cheers!
I lost all faith in my God, in his religion too
I told the angels they could sing their songs to someone new
I lost all trust in my friends
I watched my heart turn to stone
I thought that I was left to walk this wicked world alone
Tonight I'll dust myself off
Tonight I'll suck my gut in
I'll face the night and I'll pretend
I got something to believe in
And I had lost touch with reason
I watched life criticize the truth
Been waiting for a miracle
I know you have too
Though I know I won't win
I'll take this one on the chin
We'll raise a toast and I'll pretend
I got something to believe in
If I don't believe in Jesus, how can I believe the Pope
If I don't believe in heroin, how can I believe in dope
If there's nothing but survival, how can I believe in sin
In a world that gives you nothing
We need something to believe in
If I don't believe in Jesus, how can I believe the Pope
If I don't believe in heroin, how can I believe in dope
If there's nothing but survival, how can I believe in sin
In a world that gives you nothing
We need something to believe in
(Something To Believe In: Bon Jovi 'These Days')
Too many ideas. Too many things to do. Overflowing knowledge..Confusion..
And we're back to White :) .
Prologue:
Has the author finally conformed to the weird notion that people seem to harbor within themselves; the notion of chaos as being dark, Black, and maybe even evil?
No.
Chaos is and will always be white. And mostly very positive. For the endlessly argumentative, the reason is simple and straight. The notion of black and dark essentially stem from nothingness. And chaos, well, it is anything But nothing. Still not convinced? Go scream out on your blog then :\
And evil? the only thing evil about chaos is the fact that it is essentially very beautiful. And Majestic beauty leads to desire of many kinds, which again is seemingly evil. (Very ironically the same holds for black. But that doesn't make it synonymous with chaos. Mainly because they hold for white too and I'm sure no one would like to argue on black's equality with white :\. Moreover, I say so, and its my blog ;))
-----
Darkness seems to be the theme of the year. If not for me then surely for people i care about the most. And as my 1st post says, this blog reflects what i feel. Which is Emptiness. A kind of void, neither saddening nor endearing. Ive always felt all the rules, the so called ways of life have been a farce. A kind of training we all undergo to be fit to be called sociable. In a very sadistic yet humorous way it feels not very different than the "OK tested" stickers on toys et al.
Its strange to see how your own flesh and blood will torture, threaten and beat u up mentally just to make you conformable to social norms. And seemingly there's no end to it. Social order and society must come first. The same society and people who wont forget to use and stab u given enough material reason.
Raises doubts as to who to call your own. Is it the so called family? Or friends? Or the perfect stranger who hears your plight as you talk, fight and live most of your life on the phone in the bus? Or maybe death and deception?
Me i don't consider the last option at all. Fighting doesn't deem to get anyone anywhere, but everyone seems to agree hope does.
Hope. What i comfortably and intentionally left out of the list of things that are your own. Because I've hoped. And lost. Maybe a tougher fight and brighter hopes await. New Horizons yet to be explored. Move on, dream again. Love again.
Give yourself time and it'll happen. Does true love die and wither away? Do true lovers?
Maybe they do. Maybe enough distance and hard work help. Maybe pain becomes just another one of your habits, regular breakdowns one of your character flaws.
But for the time being, "The Dream" is just a lie.
As they say, Time heals all wounds. Will it heal the wounds of the death of a smiling soul?
A soul that was almost mine.
Not in this lifetime I guess.
*Spl. Note: The Blog had turned to a black theme for a few days, a few days back. Obviously, we're back now.*
